Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
