I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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