a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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