apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
