he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
