Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
