everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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