I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
