Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
