the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
