Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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