we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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