I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
