Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
