"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize