there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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