hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
