I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
