hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
