Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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