you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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