Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
