She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
