Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
