you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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