If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
