My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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