i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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