i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
