I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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