the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
