the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
