Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
