Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
