i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
