Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
