I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
