Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
