I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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