I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
