Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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