I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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