I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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