i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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