actually, I'm a sock model
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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