I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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