ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
