dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
