Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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