I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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