She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
