R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
