Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It's not a walk of shame if you run
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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