i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
