Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
