It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
