if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
