Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
